1) Set Boundaries About Adult Children and Your Home
- If They Stay: If your children stay living in your home after graduation, then there needs to be some clear boundaries. While our children are children, it's OUR HOME, but once they become adults, it's YOUR HOME. If they want to stay in your home then:
a. They go to college and maintain a C or B or better average. Whatever they're capable of, set the boundary there. But no loafing, no wasting parents time and money. It's time for the little bird to learn to fly!
b. If they do not go to college or if they go and goof off, then it's, "Get a job and pay rent". "We don't allow borders to live here for free!!!" I know you may be thinking this is harsh, but believe me... you don't want a 30 year old child still sponging off of old mom and dad. You have earned the right to enjoy your own lives once the child rearing is through. So, demand that they grow up or get out. They'll thank you for it somewhere down the road and you'll definitely thank yourself for it!
- If They Go: If your child leaves home after graduation, set boundaries about when, how, and why they can back home to live. There are appropriate times to help our children rebound, re-adjust, and re-focus, but it needs to be established with boundaries... time frames, rules, expectations. I remeber telling one of my adult children: "You may be an adult, but around here we go to bed by 10:30, so if you want to live here you'll do the same. If you want to stay out to all hours of the night, go pay your own bills some where!" I'm all for being the parent God calls us to be while the children are still children, but once they're grown I'm all for esatblishing a life for mom amd dad and letting the adult children establish their life as well.
2) Set Boundaries About Bailing Out Your Adult Children
- Financially: There needs to be a limit on helping your adult children financially because they need to learn financial responsibilty. There are consequences for every decision! If you have to always bail them out, co-sign for them, etc., then God must not be in favor of the financial decisions they're making. Credit can destroy people. Often children want what mom and dad took 30 or 40 years to accumulate, right now. Don't finance that mentality, set boundaries!
- Trouble: Just as with children, we don't need to rescue them from every consequence, so with our adult children too. Do not run to their rescue or bail them out every time they get into trouble. Sometimes we will never change until the pain of our consequences is greater than the pleasure of our decisions.
3) Set Boundaries About Respecting Your Adult Children's Adulthood
I remeber when my oldest son first got married and worked on staff at our church. There was an incident where they were going to be out late and driving late. I told him, "Absolutely not! You need to get your 'Behind' home at a decent hour". I'll never forget the feeling of shame and embarassment when I realized I was telling another adult, married man what to do. It was hard for mom and dad to make the adjustment to adult children.
- Respect their privacy and don't butt in! I know that you may have to bite your tongue, but do it. If you want to earn the right to share your advice, then shut up until you're asked. Do Not get involved in their disputes either. A good parent will allow and even require that their adult children work out their own relationships! If you get involved in their lives financially, then you have the right to direct their decisions. BUT, otherwise, you need to allow them to make their own decisons and live with their own consequences.
The best possible outcome for Boundaries & Children is simple: Don't be their buddy when their young, be their parent... then you can be buddies when they're grown! Buddies listen, love, and encourage... but they don't push, butt in, or bail out! FIRM but FAIR
Boundaries and Children ...There you have it... It's tough, it's messy, but it's worth it!!!
Blessings,
Pastor Mike
1 comment:
Very sound guidelines, its always best to learn from someone who has trudged the hard road ahead of you. But its up to you to stay out of the ditch. Because as we know, Bill McFarland will only pull you out once.
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