Boundaries & Chidren

Let me just say, having raised 4 children of my own, it's not the Terrible Twos or the Trying Teens that's the toughest part... but rather it's the STAGE of ADULTHOOD that's the toughest part about boundaries and children! Learning to let go, learning to allow your children to find their own way is a messy and hard process. Here are just a few of the lessons I've learned that may help you or someone you know!

1) Set Boundaries About Adult Children and Your Home

• If They Stay: If your children stay living in your home after graduation, then there needs to be some clear boundaries. While our children are children, it's OUR HOME, but once they become adults, it's YOUR HOME. If they want to stay in your home then:

a. They go to college and maintain a C or B or better average. Whatever they're capable of, set the boundary there. But no loafing, no wasting parents time and money. It's time for the little bird to learn to fly!

b. If they do not go to college or if they go and goof off, then it's, "Get a job and pay rent". "We don't allow borders to live here for free!!!" I know you may be thinking this is harsh, but believe me... you don't want a 30 year old child still sponging off of old mom and dad. You have earned the right to enjoy your own lives once the child rearing is through. So, demand that they grow up or get out. They'll thank you for it somewhere down the road and you'll definitely thank yourself for it!

• If They Go: If your child leaves home after graduation, set boundaries about when, how, and why they can back home to live. There are appropriate times to help our children rebound, re-adjust, and re-focus, but it needs to be established with boundaries... time frames, rules, expectations. I remeber telling one of my adult children: "You may be an adult, but around here we go to bed by 10:30, so if you want to live here you'll do the same. If you want to stay out to all hours of the night, go pay your own bills some where!" I'm all for being the parent God calls us to be while the children are still children, but once they're grown I'm all for esatblishing a life for mom amd dad and letting the adult children establish their life as well.

2) Set Boundaries About Bailing Out Your Adult Children

• Financially: There needs to be a limit on helping your adult children financially because they need to learn financial responsibilty. There are consequences for every decision! If you have to always bail them out, co-sign for them, etc., then God must not be in favor of the financial decisions they're making. Credit can destroy people. Often children want what mom and dad took 30 or 40 years to accumulate, right now. Don't finance that mentality, set boundaries!


• Trouble: Just as with children, we don't need to rescue them from every consequence, so with our adult children too. Do not run to their rescue or bail them out every time they get into trouble. Sometimes we will never change until the pain of our consequences is greater than the pleasure of our decisions.

3) Set Boundaries About Respecting Your Adult Children's Adulthood

I remeber when my oldest son first got married and worked on staff at our church. There was an incident where they were going to be out late and driving late. I told him, "Absolutely not! You need to get your 'Behind' home at a decent hour". I'll never forget the feeling of shame and embarassment when I realized I was telling another adult, married man what to do. It was hard for mom and dad to make the adjustment to adult children.

• Respect their privacy and don't butt in! I know that you may have to bite your tongue, but do it. If you want to earn the right to share your advice, then shut up until you're asked. Do Not get involved in their disputes either. A good parent will allow and even require that their adult children work out their own relationships! If you get involved in their lives financially, then you have the right to direct their decisions. BUT, otherwise, you need to allow them to make their own decisons and live with their own consequences.

The best possible outcome for Boundaries & Children is simple: Don't be their buddy when their young, be their parent... then you can be buddies when they're grown! Buddies listen, love, and encourage... but they don't push, butt in, or bail out! FIRM but FAIR

Boundaries and Children ...There you have it... It's tough, it's messy, but it's worth it!!!

Blessings,

Pastor Mike

Children & Boundaries

Age Appropriate Boundaries: Let me first of all stress the individuality and uniqueness of children. Not every child is the same, so not every child responds to the same things. However, there are some basic common denominators for children at different ages and stages. As Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend bring out in their book, Boundaries, the first Ten Months of a child's life is more about "safety" than anything else. Setting boundaries for this stage of life is more about keeping them out of danger than it is discipline or instruction.

11 Months-5 Years: Discipline and instruction boundaries become increasingly important during this stage. Children must learn that they are not the center of the universe and that there are limits and consequences in life. The key from this stage on is to break the "will" without breaking the "spirit" of the child. Listen to my heart here, "If you don't get your children's heart by the time they're 5 years old, they will most likely break yours down the road."

6 Years-1o Years: This is certainly debatable with the way changes are happening so fast in today's world, but children in this stage are in the last years of childhood. This is the time when we need to establish boundaries of character such as: work ethic, respect for authority, responsibility of one's on actions, delay of gratification, goal orientation, and management of time and money!!!

11 Years- 18 Years: Now the transfer is beginning. The goal of "Boundaries" from protective boundaries to instructive boundaries to discipline boundaries is to transfer the authority more and more from us to God. At this stage we need to move more from controlling to influencing. If you have set good boundaries along the way, this will be an easier transition. If you wait until their 13 to try to get control of them, you've waited TOO late! The most important lesson to remember at this point, is that not every mountin is worth dying for. The goal is to increase their level of responsibility as their level of freedom increases.

ALL INCLUSIVE: The greatest thing you can do for your children is COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE. You must care about and be involved in their lives. If you keep the lines of communication open, if your children know that they can talk to you about anything without fear of judgment, if they know you will be honest with them, if they know that you love them... you can survive child rearing!!! Affirmation must be exponential in relation to discipline. For every negative there needs to be 10 positives. Be FOR your kids! Be their biggest fan, their biggest cheerleader. I must have told my kids every day of their lives, "No matter what, I'll always be your friend first. I may be disappointed in you, I may discipline you, but I will always love you. Nothing you can do will ever embarrass me, because I love you for being my child, not what you do. Never, never forget that I am here for you." Although we were far from perfect parents, Lord knows we made plenty of mistakes we'd love to go back and change. But to God's glory, I'm proud of every one of my 4 children and I love them even more today than ever before!
Blessings,
Pastor Mike

Boundaries & Children 05/10/2011

There's an old saying that says; "If you don't know where you're going, how are you going to know when you get there?" Today as we think a little bit more on our Sunday Sermon: Boundaries & Children, let's consider the future. One of the most important things you need to know about a Road Trip, is where the road your on is going to take you. Have you stopped to look down the road of your life, your home, your children's lives. Every decision we make has consequences. The boundaries you establish today, will determine where you and often those you love, end up tomorrow. Take a long look down the road... where will the boundaries you have or don't have end up? As our children develop into adults they often do in excess what we practiced in moderation. So, get out a sheet of paper, journal, or whatever and write down some of the possible consequences of The Road to Boundaries you're currently on!!!
What boundaries need to change? What boundaries need to be added? What roads look really good? As you consider the past, present, and future you can more confidently establish good, clear, and effective boundaries for your children. Tomorrow, we will discuss age appropriate boundaries. And then on Friday, Boundaries and Adult Children. Remember, there are no perfect parents. So, hang in there and pray a lot!
Blessings,
Pastor Mike

Boundaries & Children 05/10/2011

Yesterday we talked about looking back at the people and events that have affected the way you have established your boundaries. Today, we look at the present! Are you satisfied with the boundaries in your life? Are there areas where your boundaries are a little weak? Are certain people or things causing havoc in your life? Let me encourage you to get a sheet a paper or a journal and write down the areas of your life where you are NOT SATISFIED with the boundaries. Okay, now what? How do we establish boundaries in areas where our boundaries are weak or non-existent?
1) Look up key words that have to do with those boundaries in a Bible concordance. (You can do that online at Strongs Online Bible Concordance) Then you can see what God says about those boundaries. Also, memorizing Bible verses is a great way to affect real life change!
2) Pray and ask God to help you establish clear boundaries in those areas. You may have to ask Him to give you the right words to say to someone.
3) Look for people in your life who seem to have good boundaries in those areas and talk to them about it. (good advice and counsel can be just what the doctor ordered)
4) Establish accountability with a close and trusted friend. (sometimes just having someone praying for you and encouraging you can go a long way)

Proverbs 4:26 tells us: "Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path."

Hope this helps,
Pastor Mike

Boundaries & Children 05/09/11

Proverbs 16:7 tells us; "When a people's lives please the Lord, even their enemies are at peace with them." We disussed in a very abridged format "Boundaries & Children" in our message yesterday. What we did not go into, was some of the future consequences of Eli's boundary-less home. What happened was, that Samuel riased his children in the same boundary-less manner that Eli raised his. (See 1 Samuel 8:1) Anyway, my point is this... We often struggle setting boundaries with our children because we have a boundary problem our self! In follow up to the Sunday sermon, I encourage you to sit down with a sheet of paper and record your own boundaries. Until you become familiar with your own boundaries, until you can recognize what made you who you are and where your own personal boundaries my lack, you will never be able to set good, solid, and effective boundaries for your own children. What was your home like growing up? What good boundaries can you remember? Where did you lack boundaries in your home? How do you believe those things have affected you as a person? Who was someone you respected as a child for their boundaries? The truth is, whether self imposed or others imposed you must face your own boundary issues! Start by asking God to reveal to you, who you really are. (See Psalm 139:23&24) Ask Him to reveal to you the who and how relationships and circumstances that have shaped your life. Then, ask Him to bring the healing and wholeness to your life that is necessary to establish your own personal boundaries. Once you know who you really are, then you can train your children in THE WAY they should go. (Proverbs 22:6) The bottom line is simple: we all long for PEACE in our homes and lives. Establishing God's boundaries on a personal level will bring that peace to our homes, and even our enemies according to Proverbs 16:7 God's blessings,
Pastor Mike